My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize