He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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