I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
