I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
