not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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