nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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