my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
