That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
