I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
