Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
