i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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