Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
