when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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