Four minutes until I can fart!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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