the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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