We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
