Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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