No awkward lesbian experiences without me
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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