And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
