I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I want to have your abortion
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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