i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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