Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
