So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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