Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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