You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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