True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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