just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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