The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
