it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I got inside last night via doggy door
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
