Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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