I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
