i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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