my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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