I think I am morally bankrupt
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
