You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
