Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
