now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
