I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm both gender and math confused
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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