I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
