you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
