I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
