Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
