Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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