hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
