i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
