You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
