For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You made out with two different species that night
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
