i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
