You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize