Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
