You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
