This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
