Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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