new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
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