So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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