i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I want to be your penis for a week.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
