why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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