The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
