I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Blood and glitter go together right?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
