i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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